After finishing Mark of Faith, which [spoilers!] includes a Thousand Son who mocks the Risen Son aka Roboute Guilliman, I started to think about the personalities of the primarchs. For some reason, my mind immediately went to Ferrus Manus and how I’d describe him. I almost instantly went to a kid in shop class description. They don’t talk much, they’re rough around the edges, but boy can they make some amazing things in shop. Then my mind, being the weird thing that it is, went down a rabbit hole wondering what high school stereotypes the primarchs would be and then describing them.
The following is what I came up with after greatly entertaining myself. You’re welcome, by the way.
We’ll just start with the one I thought of first and already mentioned. Shop class kids may not be into academics, but give them a hammer and an anvil and they can make something amazing. Shop class kids have dirt and grime under their nails, which fits their rough personalities just fine. They don’t care much about popularity either, which is why it baffles everyone in the shop that Ferrus’ best friend is Fulgrim.
Everybody loves Horus. He’s the star quarterback on the football team, the marching band drum major, class president, and always asks one of the non-cool kids to Homecoming. He’s friends with all students across all stereotypes, from the jocks to the nerds to the in-crowd to the outcasts. There is no one who doesn’t like Horus. Rumor even has it that he’s a shoo-in for valedictorian, which makes Magnus all sorts of grumbly, but he loves his brother so much, he’s cool with it.
Maybe you’d think Horus with all of his popularity would be president of the school’s Student Council, but he doesn’t even want the job. Roboute Guilliman, with all of his background as a king and diplomat, is the perfect Student Council president. He knows what needs to get done and how to get them done. Need a fundraiser for a new VCR for the library? You betcha he’s on it and has already selected the members of his committee before anyone even asks him.
If anyone knows how to back up and support mandates, it’s Rogal Dorn. Whatever the Student Council needs, Dorn can build it. Whatever Guilliman decides, he will defend it. If Guilliman gets too close to Mortarion and falls ill, there’s no one better to step up as interim president than Dorn.
Perturabo is the best damn Student Council secretary you could ask for. He’s smart, he’s meticulous, and he sees the end-game before anyone else. He would be just as popular as his other brothers if he wasn’t so bitter that Dorn is VP instead of him. He doesn’t understand at all why Guilliman didn’t pick him as a running mate. He’s just as good as Dorn, and in fact, he can build and defend ten times better than Dorn. To make it worse, his nickname is “Dorn-lite” amongst his peers.
Seriously, who would you trust among these brothers with your cash? Sanguinius is such an obvious answer. He has the face of an angel, the wings of an angel, and the voice of an angel. The only reason why he didn’t run for STC president was because he foresaw that Guilliman would win the election.
Only the goodest of bois can keep miscreants in check, and Leman Russ is a very good boy. All it takes is a snarl from him to keep would-be hooligans from making mischief. He always keeps an extra eye on the Chess Club, though. He knows those nerds are never up to any good.
If you look up “nerd” in the dictionary, there is literally* a picture of Magnus beside it. He makes straight As on all of his tests. He does extra credit without needing it. Each time he scores a 99 on his tests instead of a 100, he begs his father for forgiveness. If he’s not in class, he’s in the library, reading every single book in the nonfiction section. He was president and captain of the Chess Club since his freshman year, simply because he can beat any opponent in nine moves. It’s always nine moves. The faculty sponsor finds this odd, but hey, they’ve gone to Nationals every year since Magnus joined.
Vulkan has spirit, yes he do! Vulkan has spirit, how about you? Of course the smiling primarch who loves to give hugs is captain of the cheerleading squad. He’d do anything to pep people up, and no one does pep better than a cheerleader. People do find it creepy how loudly he cheers for his brothers in particular, but does it really matter when he can be the sole base for an entire cheerleader pyramid? Yeah, we didn’t think so.
Lorgar isn’t just president of the FCA, he’s a member of every religious club at school. His only goal is to convert all of the groups to the one true religion: his father. Many members want to kick him out of these clubs, but his rhetoric is so persuasive, they want to hear what he’ll say next. Also, his persuasiveness and passion has struck a chord in all of them in that they don’t to kick him out, just in case their religions aren’t the “right” ones.
We all know that kid who was raised by wolves and is eventually returned to men by his/her black jaguar and bear godparents. The Lion is exactly that kid. He’s very eloquent, but the feral life has stripped him of his ability to understand emotions. He really doesn’t understand why he’s not class president, STC president, captain of the Debate Team, or captain of the football team. He’s the best at everything, after all. He knows it, so surely everyone else should know it too.
Mortarion does love to hear himself talk, and the Debate Team provides just that. No one ever wants to go up against him in a debate for two reasons: he scares others and he always invokes the love card to every stance he takes. Everyone is fairly certain he doesn’t love anyone or anything, but they aren’t going to challenge him. He can’t even breathe without a respirator, and you just don’t pick on the disabled kid.
Fulgrim is that kid who always puts up a front that he’s wealthy and cultured and refined when he’s anything but. The fact that Fulgrim is super pretty helps him maintain this facade. While people may think behind his back that this is all a front, he’s so pretty, they’ll allow it. Also, rumor has it he KNOWS how to party. Anyone is willing to put up with his attempts at art and music if he’ll just invite them to one of his legendary parties.
No one knows much about the Khan. He sits in the back. He seems to have a lot of friends, even though he doesn’t speak much. But when he does talk, everyone is swept up in his humor. When he laughs, people can’t help but laugh with him. Even the teachers laugh with him. Everyone claims to be his friend, including the teachers, but in fact, no one knows anything about him. That’s just how he likes it.
You all know exactly what kid I’m talking about here, and if you didn’t pin Konrad Kurze as THAT kid, you’re a dirty liar. THAT kid is usually unwashed, dirty, and just can’t stop getting into trouble. He’s either in detention or in in-school-suspension. They won’t suspend him outside of school, because who knows what he’ll get into without supervision. There have been several talks about alternative school, but ultimately, the school district doesn’t want to punish that school either. Also, a school full of juvenile delinquents may not be the best environment for him in that it will only spur him (and them) on even further.
This one was way too obvious, because Angron is a bully in adulthood. Can you imagine him as a teenager in high school? If his other brothers weren’t around to keep him in check, he’d be beating up all the kids for their lunch money, stuffing them in lockers, gluing butt-cheeks together, knocking books out of the hands of nerds, and kicking anyone within a couple of feet of him. For now he has to settle with doing these things to some of the kids. He wouldn’t bother planting those “Kick Me” signs on kids’ backs, because why let someone else have the fun?
This one is also way too easy. He already has the hair and skin of a goth, not to mention the attitude of one as well. Of course he’d paint his fingernails black to match and wear all the eye liner. He’d definitely write dark poetry and read Edgar Allan Poe. He obviously read Poe at some point, if his final words to the Imperium are any indication.
Alpharius and Omegon not only look like one another, they also look like everyone else. Maybe you’ve met one of them, or maybe you haven’t. They don’t have any distinguishing features to make them stick out in anyone’s mind. If they went to a party, no one would remember that they were even there. They aren’t part of any clubs, and they don’t play any sports. They make average grades, and they never get into trouble. No one even knows that they are twins. If anyone notices anything about them, it’s that they seem to pass notes to others quite often, using the most complicated of folding techniques.
*No, not literally you schmuck.
Featured image by Shadowrath13 on deviantart
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